Have you ever felt lost? Unsure of yourself and what you’re supposed to do next? I sure have!
A few months ago, I shut everything down. I shut down my website, my fan page, and weekly emails. Something in me felt called to do it. I needed to focus on myself. Without the distractions. Why? Because I was surprisingly pregnant. (I seriously felt like all my dreams and goals were coming to an end.) I will get into the back story in just a moment. But I wanted share my intentions of why I wanted to started blogging again.
I talk about transformation and change and this is part of my transformation almost live. (I wanted to share the rawness of transformation and healing.)
There isn’t any reason why I can’t be pregnant and continue to blog. (As my coach is helping me learn.)
I feel called to start again. Without pressure. Without goals. Without expectations. (As I’ve learned that’s part of my controlling nature.) Meaning that right now, all I’ll do is blog. And only when I feel called to do it.
I’m not sure if you were following me before I shut everything down, but there was a situation with a man that I was dating. We had dated for maybe a month and he disappeared. And I thought it was weird because everything was going well. Like even our dogs met so we could start spending more time together. One day after we went to a gala together, after he met some of my family he disappeared. I was unable to contact and unable to figure out what happened or where things went wrong. So I went into recovery mode but I was unable to. It was the weirdest thing to me.
A few weeks later I was pregnant. I was hysterical. And unsure of what I would actually do. Tell him or not? Looking back a few years ago, I wouldn’t have even told him. Actually, a few years ago when I was still a mess and unsure of my life and partying all the time, I wouldn’t have even bothered to keep the baby. But I am older, more financially stable, and more healed than a few years ago.
So I showed up at his door and told him I was pregnant. I told him I wanted to keep the baby but I wasn’t sure what it meant for us. I explained there was no pressure or obligation to me or the baby. (I was totally ready for him to be a douche bag and tell me to get out of the house. I was ready to take this on! On my own. That’s what I was good at. That’s what I was familiar with. Being alone. And doing everything. Dependent on no one.) But he wanted to be apart of the baby’s life. And he wanted to do it together. I told him I didn’t want to be in relationship out of obligation but he said he didn’t feel obligated and he wanted to do this. I had hope that I would be able have a miracle family in a situation that seemed doomed. I was excited, hopeful but very nervous-more like scared of where we would head.
During that month we first dated, he had intentions of buying a home. Having the baby just sped up the process. So he started searching for a home. And things were going so well. We were seeing each other and communicating about names, and weird stuff. We had some major foundational things in common. Especially how to raise children. I was feeling good about our relationship.
We had the first ultrasound the second week of January and we were both excited and I felt we were so connected. The baby was healthy and developing normally.
A week later something happened and everything changed. I don’t know what happened with facts but being pregnant had changed my intuition dramatically. But I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But we stopped communicating as much, stop seeing each other as much and we started arguing a lot. He was going out every weekend with his friends drinking. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with that. If I weren’t prego I would do similar things. But it was like there wasn’t a baby on the way and I didn’t exist. I could list two times had been sober, at that point, over the weekend. And at 38 years old I figured that kind of sh*t is out of your system. And to boot we had pretty much stopped being intimate with each other. But I still wanted things to work. I still wanted a family.
FINDING THE HOUSE
Eventually we found a house and we planned on moving in together. I still let things ride out even though I knew things weren’t going well. I was hoping things would get better once we moved in because he kept telling me he would make better decisions once we moved in together. But our relationship continued as disconnected and unsure.
SH*T GETS REAL
Hours before I was supposed to move into the house something came over me to ask him three questions, “Why do you want me to move in? Are you in even sure? Do you even like me?”
And the response that I received wasn’t what I expected. He said he wasn’t “into it”. That his only intention was to support me before, during and after the pregnancy. I knew right then and there that I couldn’t move in and live through that while we pretended to be a couple and we were both miserable. I couldn’t believe that he allowed it to go on for that long! And I couldn’t believe I did too. I flipped out. Raging hormones. I couldn’t stop crying and I had no idea what I was going to do. I couldn’t stop thinking about it I was freaking out- to say the least.
He then came over a day or so later to talk. And it was the hardest conversation I’ve had. To be rational when your hormones and emotions are out of control. He said that he wanted to be friends and partners in raising our child. I knew what he was saying what’s the best for our child regardless of my personal feelings. Even though I wanted things to be different.
That Monday, he took me to finish the lab work. And he mentioned another girl. And I wanted to freak out then. But I waited until we were at my house and asked him to respect my boundaries. I did that as calmly as I could. But when I I walked through my door, my emotions ran wild and I freaked out. (I kicked a freaking box and hurt my big toe on the wall. Freaked out! LOL!) And we had it out in text messages. And it was terrible. It was hurtful. But I was able to take a step back and realize that this was hurting not helping. We eventually started talking in a positive way. But I was still hurt and still out of control with my emotions. But calm.
I went to work the next day and had a meltdown because all the advice I was receiving from every direction. I need to leave him alone, I need to do this without him. I was confused and just couldn’t take it anymore. And I felt concerned about the baby because of all the stress. Luckily, I went to the doctor and they confirmed his/her strong heartbeat and everything was okay. It was just the stress and I needed to get under control.
Before I continue to paint him the bad guy, I want to take responsibility for my actions. After that ultrasound I could feel he didn’t want a relationship with me. Whatever happened after that ultrasound. I don’t know. Quite honestly, I don’t want to know for sure. I also didn’t tell him I wasn’t ready to have sex when we first did. Which is something from my past that I am currently battling. Sexual abuse. I also didn’t give him the option to tell me whether or not he wanted to keep the baby. I also take responsibility in reactions and outburst afterwards. I do control those reactions hormones or not. I play a role in this just like he does.
We are communicating and do what we think is best for the baby. And as things go on, I will share how it’s going. Why? Because I feel so many other women are placed in similar situations and how we work things out might help one of you.
Here is what I’ve learned this far in my pregnancy. And before I act like I’ve figured this out on my own, I’m in the middle of shadow work with Johanna Burkhardt. Who is truly amazing. And in the last few weeks has helped me learn some major life changing sh*t.
I haven’t completely healed from my past. Especially now that I’m dealing with a man that doesn’t want anything to do with me romantically. It triggers emotions of feeling like I’m not worthy of love, it makes me feel like I am second best- that stems from feeling like my father chose his girlfriend over me, and it triggers feelings of just being used as an object- sexual abuse.
My feelings are nothing to be embarrassed of. Sharing them doesn’t make me weak it makes me strong.
It’s better to be aware of your emotions accept them and embrace them. It’s better than fighting them. It’s what I do with those emotions that matters.
I’m in a battle with the old me that still lingers around and the new me that realizes that I’m not in control and that trusting and having faith is okay.
Being vulnerable is not weak. It’s strength.
Needing people is okay and in my best interest right now. I’m not in a position to do this on my own emotionally and mentally.
Depending on the father of my child to be the man that he claims he is and is going to be, is something that I need to let him do. Which I am working on, without expectations. Even though pieces of me have conflicting feelings of whether or not he’s going to put his money where his mouth is.
In those books what to expect and whatever they don’t explain that something has literally taken over your body. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I feel things that are not necessarily my feelings. I can feel his feelings. And I can feel the baby’s feelings. I can feel the desire from the child who wants their father around- all the time. I can tell when he’s out, I can tell when he’s with that other women, I can tell when he’s drinking, I can tell when he’s thinking about us, when he’s not. They don’t tell you those things.
They don’t tell you that the baby is gonna make you realize how much your past is haunting you. It’s by far the weirdest and craziest thing I have ever dealt with. And it has made me feel that I have taken many steps back emotionally and mentally. To point that playing the victim comes pouring out of my mouth. Which isn’t normal for me.
However this can change. I know things don’t have be this way forever and I’m finally starting to feel normal. I’ve even unpacked my house and hung stuff back up. I finally want to connect with my child. Which I haven’t wanted to since I’ve been pregnant.
The journey of this transformation isn’t over and I have no idea what will happen next. But I’m finally okay with that. As long I’m healthy. Whatever is going to happen, will. I have faith and trust in whatever comes my way. Although my life feels like it’s in shambles, right now, I needed this to happen to learn those lessons. And whatever suffering is going on is going to provide the most beautiful blessing in the world. Another life. Just know, if you’re going through anything similar, you’re not alone.
And if you’re going through anything similar or have gone through anything similar. Share your story below. Let’s connect.