Have you ever done the same thing over and over again? Or maybe you’ve done the same thing over and over again but it just looked different? And then it hits you on the side of the head. Like hello! It’s the same f*cking thing you were doing a year ago. Then you realize that maybe you hadn’t moved on from the past or that situation. Maybe you haven’t healed like you thought. Although what happened isn’t the way you wanted to learn that lesson again, you did. And this time you’re more aware of the same mistake than ever.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve had a rough past. Most of it includes trauma after trauma. And if you’re life hasn’t been that traumatic, maybe there have been things in your life that have caused you to second guess yourself, created low self-esteem or whatever the damage has been caused. And since you’re now self-aware you try every day to “fix things”. Whether it’s on your own or with a coach but you try to teach yourself that you’re worthy and the past doesn’t haven’t to haunt you.
As true as that is, sometimes we don’t realize we’re repeating the same patterns over and over again. Sometimes we aren’t ready to see it or sometimes we don’t notice until it’s too late. And for me, it took being pregnant to learn that I was repeating the same cycles all my f*cking life.
And I had already started healing for almost 3 years before this happened. I let go of all the toxic people in my life. I stopped hanging around men that were douche bags. I started my own business and really turned my life around from where it used to be. I was proud of that. I truly believed that my past wasn’t haunting me anymore.
So I thought after a long time of being single it was time to date again. I did what I thought would increase my chances of meeting a good guy. I started online dating. Which I hate. Okay! I really do. To me it’s like going to the bar and trying to figure which guy is cool to talk to online rather than in person. And you don’t really know if they’re cool or not until you actually meet them. Which I dread. Now, that I’m typing that I think I dread meeting strange men in random locations because of my past. I used to think I was bad at dating. But I think it might have to do with my past. Which I will get to.
Anyway I started talking to this guy who seemed really cool. He was intelligent, not from my hometown, had a good job, was funny. He seemed worthy of being met. So we went out to lunch. And things were great. We had good conversations about politics and crazy conspiracy theories. We wanted to meet again. And he was second date worthy. We talked throughout the week. I was just excited. Like this was meant to be. And I was actually going to have a healthy normal relationship without problems right out the gate. And it only took meeting one guy instead of 10. I had high hopes to say the least.
We went on our second date to the zoo because he had his nephew for Thanksgiving weekend. And it was a lot of fun. I adore kids and was a nanny for a really long time. I enjoyed being around them. We then went to dinner and back to his house to play video games. More like I watch them play video games. (I’m terrible at them. I usually spend most of my time staring up in the sky as the shooter.) We had a couple of beers (me and my date) and were just hanging out and getting to know each other. I was having fun. And I really digged him. And it was clearly mutual. He then asked if I wanted to stay. And without thinking twice I said, “Yeah sure. I will just need something to change into.”
Eventually we went back to the room. I honestly thought nothing would happen. I have no idea why I was being so naïve. Normally I wouldn’t have even stayed that long. I wanted a relationship with him. I didn’t want to just hook up. But when the moment came I didn’t stop him. It wasn’t necessarily what I wanted but it was easier to just go with it.
Afterwards I had told him not disappear and he didn’t. Because I seriously knew from pervious situations like that never last. We continued to date and even our dogs met so we could spend more time with each other. We then went to a gala and had a great time. I was little intoxicated (not knowing I was pregnant) and I passed out. When I woke up that morning he was gone. I text him; he never responded. I called him; he never answered. I seriously had no idea what happened. I remembered everything up until that point.
About 2 weeks later I showed up to his door to tell him I was pregnant. Long story short he wanted to be in a relationship and “do things right”. I was a little weary of that especially with his disappearing act but I wanted to leave that in past. And I wanted to believe we could have a happy little family.
3 months later we are broken up hours before I was supposed to move into to his house. I had a meltdown every single day for about a week. And then something hit me. Because I was starting to have flashbacks of molestation from my past. Starting to freak out about having a little girl. I didn’t understand why at the time but with a little bit of help from my coach and a book called When Survivors Give Birth. I started to connect the dots.
Every single way that I lived my life was based on the abuse from my childhood. Not trusting people from when I was younger, being depressed when I was 12, losing my virginity to whoever, being promiscuous, not letting anyone have control, not showing my emotions, not being vulnerable, the men I picked in my life that continued to treat me like sh*t or that I was second best or an option or whatever. It was all directly related to my past. And he was a direct reflection of that.
In those meltdowns I learned that I wasn’t fully healed from my past, that I could have changed those circumstances on the second date, and that I was in control of whether or not I was respected by men like I wanted. Unfortunately it took being pregnant and multiple breakdowns to learn, but I learned it.
And you might be thinking what is the point of story? The reality is most of us, women, have been through some sexual abuse in our lives and we continue to live our lives through that mirror. Giving that person or people the power over our lives. Living our life as if we aren’t worthy. And that’s just not true. If you walk around wondering why you can’t find a good guy, or why bad things happen to you in relationships, or why you feel like an option or second best, it’s time to start looking in the mirror. It’s time to start self-evaluating. It may be hard but it will certainly change the direction of your life. And what’s better is you can break the cycle for your children, whether future or present. And what’s more important than that? Some of us want the answers to be external all the time. But the reality is most of the answers are inside of us waiting to be unlocked. Waiting for that ah-ah moment so that you can start the change in your home. It all starts with you. And what better way than to start something that can help mold your children into better people?
If you’ve experienced anything similar, know you’re not alone. And please feel free to share your story. Let’s connect.