The Ultimate Guide for Successful Women: Using Pain to Reach Your Best Self
You’re here because you’ve been hurt before. Not just once either. You’re no stranger to deep pain.
You’re successful because you’ve had to prove a lot of people wrong. Mostly you’re successful because you’ve had to prove yourself right.
You know what it takes to be successful.
You understand the sacrifices. You understand the time it takes. You understand the effort.
However, this time around, the pain that you're enduring seems much worse than it is normally.
This time around is the first time you can't seem to let go and focus. When you do try to put things to the side and work, you're not coming up with your best your work. You seem in a daze, and you can't even remember the last time you ate a full meal. You're having revenge thoughts and crazy lopping hypothetical situations where you come out on top.
All of that is entirely normal.
I get it.
Actually, I've been through a lot in the last two years. If you follow me, you know that I'm an independent mom to a little girl who just recently turned 1. You also know I haven’t been with my ex since I was 13 weeks pregnant. The loneliness and pain of wanting him there while I was pregnant were heart-wrenching. I was also healing from sexual trauma that I experienced as a child and an adult. I never experienced the emotions and pain as I did before. Then when I was postpartum, we were at war with each other. I was consumed by all of it.
Fast forward to a year later, he lets me know that he has been dating someone (which I already instinctively knew). He told me in the middle of the parking lot at the doctor's office. Our daughter had been sick on and off again for almost 3 weeks at this point. Who had never been ill up until then. He wasn't very open about whether or not my daughter was around her before he told me. To this day, I still haven't met her, and she refused to come to the door twice now. It's been a month.
Plus, I saw my daughter with her father and his girlfriend and her kids at the grocery. I wanted to go take my daughter and go. I didn't want to cause a scene or confuse her. It was the hardest thing I've ever done before in life. When you sign up for motherhood, they don't tell you anything about mother’s pain.
Again, I’m no stranger to pain. These moments are recent. I’ve spent many years channeling rage into success. I just didn’t realize I was doing that until recently.
I’ve used pain to land 4 promotions in 4 years, a house, a new car, and at one point, losing 160 pounds!
When you're successful AF, you don't have time for pain to take you down. You really don't even feel like dealing with it, so you consume your time and energy with grinding. I get that, but there is another way around this.
There is a way for you to deal with what’s happening and focus on you. I'm going to share how to do this with you.
I want to let you know that dealing with pain is a priority. It’s a priority because when you avoid and escape it, it turns into a monster that you can’t avoid. It slowly destroys your life. This guide is not for women who are looking for a way to avoid dealing. It’s a guide for women who understand that time to heal is necessary but using the pain and hurt to help breakthrough and up-level. #beastmode.
I want to also remind you that you’re worth every second and all effort in the world. Don’t you dare for one second, let a mofo drag you down because of their issues. Everything that everyone does and says is a reflection of them in some way, shape, or form.
First, let's talk about the benefits of using your pain. We all want to know why we would do this.
Benefits of using Pain
Use energy wisely
You strive for goals with full force
You get back up for the next round
You find ways around the roadblocks with ease
You come up with amazing ideas
You don’t allow anyone to distract you
You build on top the stones that were thrown at you
You do what it takes to be the person you were meant to be
Those are just a few of the benefits.
Now, let’s talk about how you can channel this pain.
First, I want to mention that it's okay to be angry and hurt. It's okay to feel like you have something to prove to everyone, and you're gonna be the best boss babe anyone has ever seen. It’s okay to use what happened as motivation. It’s okay to walk with a chip on your shoulder.
As you already know, I preach about dealing with these emotions. However, if we reject that we feel this way, if we try to push this away, it actually hurts us in the long run. See, we might have these feelings at first, but eventually, these feelings subside, and you start doing things for yourself.
Eventually, having the best revenge is just a byproduct! (I even told my mom the other day, I just want to be so successful and be my best self so that it haunts him [the father of my child] that things didn’t work out. I want to be so successful so that I’m untouchable by him.) Embrace the way you feel and use it. Eventually, the anger and pain lessen. Until then, fire up that burn, baby! Because it's some of the best fuel, you'll have.
What You Need to Know
Control: You remember those crazy looping thoughts I mentioned? You know the ones where you come out on top. Those are actually signs of fear, which leads us to control. We have to control everything because we fear the outcome. Which is actually a sign that we fear death in some way, shape, or form. Not necessarily in a physical sense but more like who we are. When you start to have these looping thoughts, and you're tired of this person being in your head and tired of them having control of your life, I want you to start asking yourself what is it that I fear? What do I want to control, and what is the purpose? This will help you shift your thinking, but it will also help you realize that it has something to do with you and not the other person. Control is negative energy, and it will continue to consume your life if you let it. It leads to resistance of time- everything takes more time, and it will put energy out there to potential clients and leads, and you won't get as many yeses as you need. Remember, it's okay to allow yourself these crazy looping thoughts, but you also want to get to the bottom of the purpose so you can raise your vibes. You don’t want to manifest things you don't want in your life. Control is part of this because its underlining meaning is fear.
Allowance: I know you don’t have time for this hurt and pain. The truth is, you do, and you need to allow yourself time and space to work through it. It’s okay that you’re not ready right this second, but you don’t want to make work your avoidance and escape. Then work becomes an addiction, and you lose sight of what matters. That's what I did… several times. When you're ready to deal, allow yourself extra time to get present with your emotions and feelings, release them, forgive yourself, and allow yourself to feel everything. Yes, feel them. You need to. When you allow yourself space to work through your emotions, you'll be in a much better place emotionally and mentally, and the universe rewards such things. The only way to honestly do that is to work through these emotions. I recommend getting a journal. However, here are some quick tips on what you can do.
Aware: Be aware that you have these feelings and get comfortable with these feelings.
Allow: Let yourself feel these emotions, work through them when you’re ready. Remember, if you resist your emotions, the more they will persist and the worse they'll get.
Embrace: Love yourself through these emotions. We all have feelings. It's okay that you feel this way. You don't have to stop loving yourself because you feel pain.
Channeling the anger
At the bottom of pain is sadness, hurt, and anger. It’s the sadness and the hurt that you really have to work through as far emotionally and mentally. However, anger is what drives you. It’s the fuel that you’ll want to use to build your best self. It’s the burning in your heart that you’ll use to breakthrough and up-level.
How do you learn to channel anger for something useful instead of being a pissed off bitter female? Physical activity. I highly recommend running, but I understand that’s not for everyone. I suggest finding something that is physical enough that pushes you to your limits where you can listen to the music that you want and endure that pain while you’re working out. Do something for at least 30 minutes.
Why? Because you’ve released all the negativity from your body, you've shifted your mindset, you just showed yourself how powerful you are, and now you're ready to start working. Now you're ready to focus on creative energy. Now, you're prepared to land those leads by using whatever positive energy is left in your tank. Anger isn’t a bad emotion. It's an emotion that you have, and when you use it correctly, you can start seeing crazy results quickly.
Going through pain and hurt when you’re up-leveling and breaking through is tough stuff. It’s not easy. Especially when you’re in the middle of building an empire. You don’t want to deal with that shit. However, don’t avoid and don’t escape it because that will cause worse problems. Allow yourself the time and energy to work through it. Get to the bottom of the fear and start channeling that anger into something physical so that it leaves your body, and all you have is creative energy left to focus on your work.