How I Became to Believe in God
In today’s world it seems that believing has become a farfetched idea. I mean truly, truly believing. Maybe you believe, maybe you don’t. Maybe you think it’s possible but it’s hard to understand. Maybe you’re like me, and you were raised in the church but never really believed because of all the bad sh*t that happened in your life. There is just no possible way God could do something like that or allow it. Why would he allow suffering?
I understand. There is so much confusion going on with what you should and shouldn’t believe. Because there is all this science. How could there be a God? But then there are unexplainable things done in the hospital every single day. Those things are astronomic in measurement. Socially acceptable as a miracle. But then we see things like school shootings and children getting abused and going hungry. How could there be such divine good and love in our world? So many questions. So many thoughts.
I’m not here to tell you what to believe and what not to believe. I’m here to let you know how I became to believe and the way I believe. You might be thinking: Why would she feel the need? Other than being called to write this, I think there is some confusion on what it actually means to believe. I’m not here to bash the church or religion. I really do believe religion/church has brought good to people and their communities. I do acknowledge there has been some bad associated too. But I believe that having true trust and faith is much deeper than religion and church.
First, I’m going to give you a list of what I believe. If you’re further interested there is a little back story. You might wonder why the list first? The answer: Maybe you’re looking for confirmation. Maybe you’re looking for different ideas. Maybe you don’t agree at all, so why would the back story make a difference to you? No matter the answer, I’m just here to share what I feel called to share.
I believe in science and even the theory of evolution- to the extent of us seeing it every day. In humans and other animals.
I believe all theories are as crazy as the next. Big Bang, Evolutions at its core, God creating the world. The reality is: with enough substantial evidence proving a theory is correct, it’s correct. There’s a possibility for it all until it’s totally debunked. Like the world being flat at one point. Then it was proven to be round. (I know there are people that think otherwise. Not the point.) The thing is none of us were there. None of scientist that that can “prove” their theories were actually there, and the people who wrote the Bible weren’t there. None of us actually know. That’s best part of being alive. We can think deeper than ourselves. What’s beyond us. To me, that’s spiritual in itself.
There’s a difference between religious and spiritual. Although you can be both.
You don’t have to go church to believe in God or a higher being. Nor do you need to attend church to have and maintain a relationship in what you believe.
Your relationship with God is personal. No 2 relationships are the same. If someone tells you otherwise, they really don’t understand the true meaning of believing. That’s okay. It’s not your place to judge. You can show them the way, if they’re willing to see the path.
Going to church every Sunday and being an a**hole the rest of the week is not Godly. Nor is it what true religion or spirituality actually means. God can see what you do the whole time, not just at church.
Praying really does work. If you pray for what you need. Not what you want. Praying for what you want leaves room for control and attachment. Being spiritual and Godly leaves no room for either.
Most of us do not truly believe in something higher than ourselves unless we’ve suffered. You might be think why would God allow the suffering? Remember there is such thing as free will. People choose as they wish. We think we’re in control. And we do things when we’re not ready. Leading us down a path that spirals. Until we’re ready to see.
I believe our gut/intuition is higher-self. Which is connected to God. This is what we should listen to all the time. Not our brains. Not our hearts. Our gut.
We receive signs from the universe that we should pay attention to. They’re not just coincidences. But you also have to be willing to see them.
You can believe in God, believe in spirits, believe in guides, the moon, mother earth etc. Remember it’s personal.
The Bible is not some BS made up to keep us in fear of judgment. But an amazing book that explains why we suffer to rise over and over again. It also shows an ideal of what we should strive to be. And the phycological elements that are portrayed throughout the stories is something to be acknowledged. Try to keep in mind most of us read and studied mythology without thinking twice and learned a thing or two. Why would this be any different? Try not to translate a spiritual and phycological book in a literal sense.
Bonus- If you’re interest in developing more:
Joyce Meyer: she’s an amazing resource. Yes, she’s very Christian based. But her story is relatable. And she understands and translates the “Word of God” with pure love.
Jordan Peterson: he’s also an amazing resource. If you want more of the phycological part of this. He’s a little more realistic and meant for your personal mind. His understanding and interpretation of the Bible is truly astounding and makes you think at the deepest levels.
The Back Story
In 2011, my step-father died in a terrible accident spinning my family’s world into a tailwind. I never gave myself the opportunity to grieve. At that point, I sincerely believed it was better to burry my emotions than to deal with them. I was out partying all the time. Until I blacked out. I would hang around whoever, be around any guy. I was really trying to fill a void. But everyone around me said it was normal. “I was single”.
4 years later nothing had really changed. I had gotten worse but on the outside, you couldn’t tell. I was successful. I had a good job, bought my house and was about to finish my degree. I was depressed. I was dying inside. I seriously thought of so many ways I could kill myself. Just so I could see my step-father. I was hurt and angry.
I finally said something to a friend. And the discussion of Molly was brought up. We decided to take Molly. (Before there are any crazy comments or wtfs. Just know there is research showing Molly has helped PTSD sufferers. I didn’t know about the research then. Something in me knew it would work. Please understand it was in a controlled environment. This is not something I suggest or recommend to just anyone. Especially if you have no desire for it to work in the capacity that it can. Please research this before you think it will solve your problems. This wasn’t about chasing a high or partying.) We did it. And it transformed my life. Because for once in my life I felt paradise on earth and it was safe. And no one else could mess with it. The best part? I could have it sober. That’s how powerful the memories and connections were.
This night eventually lead me to start doing self-healing work with a journal. I would start writing about my day and asking myself why. Why did I do that? Why does that past event remind me of this situation? I started healing more and more every single day. (If you want to face your past with journaling, check out this blog post.)
Going back and addressing my past made me realize how many times I should have died, something worse should have happened, my life could have been worse. I started to open my heart and mind to something higher than myself. Something in my inner space made me start understanding that there was something up there working for me. Something that was keeping me safe, something I could depend on. I really started to have faith in trust in something I could hardly explain.
The Evidence in my Life
Evidence 1- When I was stressing out about what I was going to do financially. I asked for a sign. I asked for someone to ask me for help and I could give to them. I’m not sure why I thought that, since I was financially stressed. But I did, and within minutes someone knocked at my door. These kids were raising money for their school. I gave them the last of my money. All of sudden all my stress and worries disappeared.
Evidence 2- There was also another time that I had been stressed out. My dog had broken my coffee maker, I replaced it even though I wasn’t in a financial situation to do so. The coffee maker came. I went to work the next day, and I came home and my dog had done something with the lid of the coffee maker. I freaked out! Started yelling at her (she’s deaf, mind you.) I just broke down and starting crying in the kitchen that I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t do this on my own. I cried out for help and asked for all this to be taken out of my hands. Immediately I felt a presence over me, my crying stopped, and my worries disappeared.
Evidence 3- I have endometriosis. I had the worst periods. I had taken myself off of birth control because I wasn’t having sex, at the time, the birth control wasn’t working, I was gaining weight, and it was making me bat sh*t crazy. Anyway, I had gone to Texas and started my period. I was bleeding through everything!!! My panties, my jeans. It was embarrassing. It was like I was 11 years old again. I was cramping so bad and I needed to sleep more than ever! My periods had gone form bad to worse. The next month I started my period at work, and I had to leave. Someone had to drive me home. That same night, I woke up in so much pain I could barely move. But I had to go to the bathroom. I slowly got up and went to the bathroom, I was sweating, I could barely keep my head up. I had no idea what was going on. I was thinking I needed to go to the hospital. But I was too weak that I couldn’t call anyone. I just laid in bed. I remember praying: Please don’t let me have another period like this again. Please let me get through this night. Please, please. I can’t do this anymore. I did make it through that night. And two weeks later, I conceived my daughter! It wasn’t exactly what I meant. But it certainly had brought me on another adventure that I was supposed to be on. (That has been a miracle in itself and quite the healing journey. If you’re interested check out these blogs: Why Being Pregnant Has Turned My World Upside Down and One of the Most Important Lessons I’ve Learned in My Life.)
Since then I’ve done more healing work. Especially healing from sexual abuse and other trauma. Dealing with my past and understanding its purpose has only brought me closer to God. It also has lead me to let go of control. (if you’re interested in that blog, click here.) It has lead me to the real purpose in my life. At least an idea of it. And it has helped me to live a more peaceful and calm life.
If you can relate to the story, have a questions, or comment, please feel free to comment below. Let’s connect.