I’ve redone this blog 3 times now. It was a blog for recovery and then a blog about pulling visitation and now it’s this. It has been almost a month since my last blog. I’ve been going round for round with life lately. I mean doing rounds. I’m in a middle of a war for visitation and custody of my almost 4-month-old daughter. I’m caught in the middle of a fine line of doing the right thing and protecting my child regardless of what that means. I’ve had letters sent to my lawyer questioning my mental health because I finally spoke up for myself about the amount of disrespect that takes place in my home when my ex is picking up our child.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done my fair of share of freaking out. Plus, my daughter now has acid reflux and sleeping through the night has become a nightmare. Plus getting my emotions together while my ex digs deep in every text, deal with a body that I’m not used to, emotions that are so raw it could make anyone drink, and feelings of loneliness that haunt my spirit. I have gone round for round wanting things to be over, wishing to have my life back, crying that I just want to sleep, and I want to give up. Every single time I have gotten back up.
It wasn’t until about 10 minutes ago, I realized that’s what I’ve done most my life, but in the last 3 months life has come at me with knock out after knock out, and somehow, I’ve channeled my inner Rocky and today we’re working on the 13th round and this how I’ve stood up every single time.
After every meltdown, after every crisis, every letter from the lawyer, every text of not being a good person and guilt trip, after every un-serving painful thought. These are the 5 keys of how I’ve been able to stand, without fail.
Let the emotions ride. As much as I’ve cried, I just want to stop crying, the emotions are there for a reason. I had back to back realizations with my emotions. Everything from understanding that things just suck, to healing my past. The emotions are truly there for a reason. I know that might sound ridiculous especially when you’re postpartum, single and dealing with a 4-month-old that won’t stop crying because she needs to burp or has the hiccups at 3am. As you might know I’m big proponent for healing and it’s truly the most amazing thing you can do as a mother. Sometimes allowing the emotions and accepting the emotions suck is the best way to heal. (If you need some help with handling your emotions check this blog out here. Or if you want further on healing check out these blogs.)
Keep a journal. No matter what has been going on between me and ex or me and myself, I always turn to journaling. I’ve learned so much about myself and my emotions through journaling. All the answers have always been right there. I think without journaling I wouldn’t be standing strong for the 13th round. Journaling can truly open you up in away that you can’t do through speaking. (Want the latest journal? Click here. Want blogs on journaling? Click here.)
Workout. Burning the negative energy some way somehow is always best. Whether you run, walk, yoga, at home workouts, go the gym, whatever it is, just do it. Because it will release and destress you. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t end up with a treadmill (grateful to say I manifested it.) But really working out is essential to hanging in there to go head to head with whatever it is you’re dealing with.
Gather your community. Still to this day I deal with an astronomical amount of loneliness. Loneliness I’ve never felt before in my life. (This really might have to do with not being fully healed and fully loving myself. Which means I still have work to do. That’s cool, because I’m way better than where I was a year ago. Let alone 5 years ago.) I feel like I’m lost in a world that’s not mine, like I’m here but I’m not. Sometimes I see my daughter smiling but I’m unsure of whether or not this is really my life. Like I’m the only one going through this sh*t. Like I’m the only up in the middle of the night crying that I wish my baby daddy was there to help (but I really don’t want him to be-if that makes sense) like no one could possibly ever feel this way. Loneliness to the point where I’ve questioned my mental health before the letter from the lawyer ever did. Truth is, I’m not alone there are thousands upon thousands of women who have dealt with similar feelings, situations, stress, and emotions, plus healing yourself while having children (if you’re one of them, I would love to connect. If you want, leave a comment below.) Knowing that comforts me. But the most important thing that has gotten me through everything is calling my mom in tears, asking my brother to come over. Sink into asking for your people to be there for you. I don’t know what I would do without my people. So, gather your community. They will save you from yourself most of the time.
Anchor into your power. This has been the hardest part for me. I’ve changed so much in the last 5 years and drastically changed within the last year. Knowing who I am has been a little difficult. I’ve gone from flying off the handle at every opportunity, hating every man I’ve ever come in contact with, hurting people before they hurt me to being a loving, patient and understanding good person. Sometimes it’s been hard to know when to stand up for myself or when to let the trigger ride. It’s been hard to draw the line on disrespect or just being petty. Then earlier today, I remembered something, showing grace is one of my super powers. (As said in Gene Keys.) I dug into that grace hoping that it would subside an argument, calm the storm but I also cannot control the other person. But what I can do, is use that grace as my power. Sinking into your power is one of the best ways to get through round after round. Yes, that’s probably resilience too. But I didn’t know I had this power until after my major transformation in the last year. This moment literally saved me from giving up, from cowering down, from reacting. Every single person has some power, you just gotta remember you have it.
No amount of tears, pain, suffering, and rounds can make you give up. It might feel like it’s possible at the moment when you feel like giving up. If you can remember to let the emotions ride, keep a journal, gather your community, and step into your power you can stay strong in the 13th round every single time. No matter what life has for you. No matter how bad it’s kicked your ass. No matter how hard it knocked you out the time before, getting back up is the power that anyone can hold.